You know how you start to do something and then you stop? That was blogging for me.
I was all woohoo, let's go, let's blog - did a few - forgot about it..then did a few more..forgot some more and then totally forgot.
Well, here I am back again - the name is the same - the tagline is the same. Is the purpose the same? Yes and no. I will still ramble, but I think this time it will be more therapeutic for me than before.
You see, 2010 was a very eventful year full of personal decisions that I think changed me very much. In January, I was so full of optimism of what the year would bring, yet when I really look at it - I didn't like myself, so I think the optimism was a big pile of bullshit I created rather than deal with what I needed to deal with over the coming year.
I gained some old friends back in my life, whom I missed so very much - more than I realized was possible. These two I have known for 10 years and for almost 3 we didn't speak. Do I know why we didn't? Yup. If I could turn back to the day would I do the same thing? Nope. It's funny what it takes to learn that lesson isn't it? I lost a long time with them - I'm very glad to have some new time back.
I also became the go between in a huge drama with my folks. After 44 years, their marriage is over. How does that feel? Anyone who comes from a family that has gone through this can tell you it doesn't matter what age you are, it's no picnic watching your parents fight, bicker, threaten, cry, yell, over dramatize, exaggerate, embellish, flat out lie, demand from and to each other, all while being stuck smack in the middle of it. This is definately where being an only child is not an advantage. I have heard words from my parents I never have heard them say before, I have heard things about both parents that are frankly sick and so on. It's like watching everything you know go down the drain and coming out the ass end of a pipe. All over the place & one big giant mess. How do you clean it up? What do you salvage and what do you toss? I am watching my two parents and getting to know them as entirely different people. Let me tell you, it's fuckin weird. There are some benefits to it - I have probably the best relationship with my mother that I've had in my entire life and I'm glad for that - but I have also had to open my eyes to both parents as to who they are as people and that hasn't been easy.
I also had a big career revelation in 2010. I'm still in the same job, but with some organizational changes, I found myself in a place that scared me to death. Thanks to a very wonderful few people that I work with - I have come to realize that damnit I am actually good at my job, I do know what I'm doing and I am intelligent. I don't say that to be cocky, it's only a realization that I have learned the lessons that have been put in front of me in the last 10 years and for that, I am proud and thankful to have had such great mentoring and friendship in so many that I'm fortunate enough to know. I'm also very fortunate that I'm allowed to put these lessons to use on a daily basis - sometimes I fall, but instead of worrying about how I'm going to get back up, I have learned in 2010 that I know how..I just have to remember the way to do it :). These people aren't only my co-workers, they are my friends - that's rare in a workplace and I trust these folks know that I appreciate what they have taught me.
Financially, I became debt free in 2010. Nope, I didn't win the lottery - I finished being bankrupt in November. What does that mean? Well - I owe nothing..but I own nothing. I did buy a new car - so I can't say nothing, but that's my equity - a 2001 Ford Focus SE, which is worth probably $2500 blue book value. But that's ok - because now I can rebuild. First up is buying me and Justin a couple things we need - well not need..ok..they're toys, but dammit I want them. Then since I've lived without a set amount of money every month, that's going away into my savings account.
So 2011 starts like this...I like who I am..I think for the first time - I know who I am..finally. The battle with my weight continues - but I have joined Weight Watchers again with someone and I have someone else to lean on as we get healthy together...I am not setting any expectations for myself this time. I find I get too disappointed when I do that. So, I'm going to try my hardest every day, come what may and live my life like that.
