Once in 2011 - and here we are in March 2012!
Maybe that's how my blogs will go, just once a year, I don't know really.
What's happened? Well..not much has changed perhaps that's why I haven't blogged. Perhaps it's cuz I'm lazy or too busy thinking of reasons I should get off my ass. Who knows?
One thing that I've discovered...middle age hurts. Fuckin aches and pains that I've never had before in places I didn't know existed. It sucks. Why does getting older start to hurt so much? Our bodies should have spare parts like a car does. When an arm hurts and is heavy, just replace it with a new, lighter model. When your tummy has a hole or perforation or ulcer or gallbladder or whatever ails you, reach in - pull it out and replace it with a cleaner, more energy efficient brand. I should buy stock in advil, aspirin, zantac, midol and melatonin. Peeing 700 times a night, waking up 300 times a night. When you're up almost 1000 times per night, sleep goes right out the window! It is amazing how little sleep a person can survive on the older they get. I used to need 8 - 10...now, I can manage on 5. Why? Cuz I'm up fuckin peeing all night long - imagine what would happen to me if I drank after 8pm!
Parental units - still fighting and bitching at each other. I just don't understand. Hello Mom, hello dad...it's done. Move on..I don't understand the need to make people suffer (ok, I do), but there's a time when you have to stop and that time has long since passed for them. It crushes me to the core to see how they think of each other after all that time together. No matter what anyone says, the two people that made the marriage wreck the marriage. There's a reason that people fall out of love with each other or look elsewhere and one needs to look no further than a mirror. The responsibility is shared. Not necessarily 50/50 and it might even be 99% vs 1% but it's shared. I love my parents, but damn it, they both need a good swift kick in the ass as far as I'm concerned. Sigh...
Love life..what love life? Actually, I do have one..I finally after 41 years and some months..wait for it...love myself! WHAT THE HELL?? yes, it's true - I actually love myself! I'm finally able to see what is good in me! It's been there all along, I just didn't know where to find it! Sometimes it runs and hides, but I'm getting better at finding it. I had to take some finding lessons to do that, but so glad I did.
Life in general? Was 2011 a good year? Better than most I've had for a while. I've taken the road I started on in 2011 and kept following it, which has taken some twists and turns, but I think I'm on a pretty straight path today as I move into my 'middle aged' years.
I might blog again - maybe this is just a place for me to talk to myself. Which is fairly weird, but I must confess - I'm not the straightest noodle in the package, so it's ok with me.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Brand New Year, Brand New Blog
You know how you start to do something and then you stop? That was blogging for me.
I was all woohoo, let's go, let's blog - did a few - forgot about it..then did a few more..forgot some more and then totally forgot.
Well, here I am back again - the name is the same - the tagline is the same. Is the purpose the same? Yes and no. I will still ramble, but I think this time it will be more therapeutic for me than before.
You see, 2010 was a very eventful year full of personal decisions that I think changed me very much. In January, I was so full of optimism of what the year would bring, yet when I really look at it - I didn't like myself, so I think the optimism was a big pile of bullshit I created rather than deal with what I needed to deal with over the coming year.
I gained some old friends back in my life, whom I missed so very much - more than I realized was possible. These two I have known for 10 years and for almost 3 we didn't speak. Do I know why we didn't? Yup. If I could turn back to the day would I do the same thing? Nope. It's funny what it takes to learn that lesson isn't it? I lost a long time with them - I'm very glad to have some new time back.
I also became the go between in a huge drama with my folks. After 44 years, their marriage is over. How does that feel? Anyone who comes from a family that has gone through this can tell you it doesn't matter what age you are, it's no picnic watching your parents fight, bicker, threaten, cry, yell, over dramatize, exaggerate, embellish, flat out lie, demand from and to each other, all while being stuck smack in the middle of it. This is definately where being an only child is not an advantage. I have heard words from my parents I never have heard them say before, I have heard things about both parents that are frankly sick and so on. It's like watching everything you know go down the drain and coming out the ass end of a pipe. All over the place & one big giant mess. How do you clean it up? What do you salvage and what do you toss? I am watching my two parents and getting to know them as entirely different people. Let me tell you, it's fuckin weird. There are some benefits to it - I have probably the best relationship with my mother that I've had in my entire life and I'm glad for that - but I have also had to open my eyes to both parents as to who they are as people and that hasn't been easy.
I also had a big career revelation in 2010. I'm still in the same job, but with some organizational changes, I found myself in a place that scared me to death. Thanks to a very wonderful few people that I work with - I have come to realize that damnit I am actually good at my job, I do know what I'm doing and I am intelligent. I don't say that to be cocky, it's only a realization that I have learned the lessons that have been put in front of me in the last 10 years and for that, I am proud and thankful to have had such great mentoring and friendship in so many that I'm fortunate enough to know. I'm also very fortunate that I'm allowed to put these lessons to use on a daily basis - sometimes I fall, but instead of worrying about how I'm going to get back up, I have learned in 2010 that I know how..I just have to remember the way to do it :). These people aren't only my co-workers, they are my friends - that's rare in a workplace and I trust these folks know that I appreciate what they have taught me.
Financially, I became debt free in 2010. Nope, I didn't win the lottery - I finished being bankrupt in November. What does that mean? Well - I owe nothing..but I own nothing. I did buy a new car - so I can't say nothing, but that's my equity - a 2001 Ford Focus SE, which is worth probably $2500 blue book value. But that's ok - because now I can rebuild. First up is buying me and Justin a couple things we need - well not need..ok..they're toys, but dammit I want them. Then since I've lived without a set amount of money every month, that's going away into my savings account.
So 2011 starts like this...I like who I am..I think for the first time - I know who I am..finally. The battle with my weight continues - but I have joined Weight Watchers again with someone and I have someone else to lean on as we get healthy together...I am not setting any expectations for myself this time. I find I get too disappointed when I do that. So, I'm going to try my hardest every day, come what may and live my life like that.
I was all woohoo, let's go, let's blog - did a few - forgot about it..then did a few more..forgot some more and then totally forgot.
Well, here I am back again - the name is the same - the tagline is the same. Is the purpose the same? Yes and no. I will still ramble, but I think this time it will be more therapeutic for me than before.
You see, 2010 was a very eventful year full of personal decisions that I think changed me very much. In January, I was so full of optimism of what the year would bring, yet when I really look at it - I didn't like myself, so I think the optimism was a big pile of bullshit I created rather than deal with what I needed to deal with over the coming year.
I gained some old friends back in my life, whom I missed so very much - more than I realized was possible. These two I have known for 10 years and for almost 3 we didn't speak. Do I know why we didn't? Yup. If I could turn back to the day would I do the same thing? Nope. It's funny what it takes to learn that lesson isn't it? I lost a long time with them - I'm very glad to have some new time back.
I also became the go between in a huge drama with my folks. After 44 years, their marriage is over. How does that feel? Anyone who comes from a family that has gone through this can tell you it doesn't matter what age you are, it's no picnic watching your parents fight, bicker, threaten, cry, yell, over dramatize, exaggerate, embellish, flat out lie, demand from and to each other, all while being stuck smack in the middle of it. This is definately where being an only child is not an advantage. I have heard words from my parents I never have heard them say before, I have heard things about both parents that are frankly sick and so on. It's like watching everything you know go down the drain and coming out the ass end of a pipe. All over the place & one big giant mess. How do you clean it up? What do you salvage and what do you toss? I am watching my two parents and getting to know them as entirely different people. Let me tell you, it's fuckin weird. There are some benefits to it - I have probably the best relationship with my mother that I've had in my entire life and I'm glad for that - but I have also had to open my eyes to both parents as to who they are as people and that hasn't been easy.
I also had a big career revelation in 2010. I'm still in the same job, but with some organizational changes, I found myself in a place that scared me to death. Thanks to a very wonderful few people that I work with - I have come to realize that damnit I am actually good at my job, I do know what I'm doing and I am intelligent. I don't say that to be cocky, it's only a realization that I have learned the lessons that have been put in front of me in the last 10 years and for that, I am proud and thankful to have had such great mentoring and friendship in so many that I'm fortunate enough to know. I'm also very fortunate that I'm allowed to put these lessons to use on a daily basis - sometimes I fall, but instead of worrying about how I'm going to get back up, I have learned in 2010 that I know how..I just have to remember the way to do it :). These people aren't only my co-workers, they are my friends - that's rare in a workplace and I trust these folks know that I appreciate what they have taught me.
Financially, I became debt free in 2010. Nope, I didn't win the lottery - I finished being bankrupt in November. What does that mean? Well - I owe nothing..but I own nothing. I did buy a new car - so I can't say nothing, but that's my equity - a 2001 Ford Focus SE, which is worth probably $2500 blue book value. But that's ok - because now I can rebuild. First up is buying me and Justin a couple things we need - well not need..ok..they're toys, but dammit I want them. Then since I've lived without a set amount of money every month, that's going away into my savings account.
So 2011 starts like this...I like who I am..I think for the first time - I know who I am..finally. The battle with my weight continues - but I have joined Weight Watchers again with someone and I have someone else to lean on as we get healthy together...I am not setting any expectations for myself this time. I find I get too disappointed when I do that. So, I'm going to try my hardest every day, come what may and live my life like that.
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